Left Breathless
by atotalRPGfan
Summary: One simple decision caused everything to fall apart and there's nothing Ilia can say or do to fix it. Spoilers for the end of the game.


_I wanted to try my hand at something more serious and dramatic than my other fics. This particular fic is inspired by Taylor Swift's _**Breathe**__._ Please, read and tell me what you think about it! _

_Warning: Spoilers for the end of the game._

_Disclaimer: I don't own Dragon Age or the characters, as much as I'd like to. They belong solely to Bioware._

_Breathe_

"Then Loghain will become a Warden."

Ilia Amell stood completely still as the Landsmeet started talking at once, her ice blue eyes darting to the only person that mattered. Alistair's face was filled with disbelief, his eyes brimming with hurt and betrayal. She watched with growing dread as it was replaced with blind fury.

"What! How can you decide that!" he thundered, clenching his fists in anger. "I will **not** stand beside this man as a brother!"

She took a step towards him, reaching to place a hand on his shoulder, but he jerked away. "Don't you dare touch me!" His gaze locked with hers and he seemingly searched her face for a hint that she wasn't serious. "Don't do this, Ilia," he whispered.

She looked away, unable to bear his gaze any longer. "I'm sorry. It's the best thing to do. Either you will stand with us or against us," she said in a steely voice.

"Fine! Then I'll leave the Wardens. You can do whatever the hell you want!"

Ilia watched in disbelief as he left the room, his boots echoing against the stone floors, the sound the most ominous she's ever heard. Without as much as an explanation for the rest of the room, she darted after him, calling his name.

She caught up to him outside the palace, her heart racing from the exertion as well as dread as she pulled him to face her. It had started to rain and the downpour was making it hard to see his face clearly. When she could focus, she stared in horror at the stone mask that was his expression. "Please, Ali, don't go," she plead, tears streaming down her face.

"You're not giving me a choice. I won't stand by while you cheapen Cailan and Duncan's memories by letting him become a Warden," he said, his eyes avoiding hers.

"Please, understand, Ali…" She took another shuddered breath, willing herself to stop crying. She never cried. She didn't cry when she was taken from her parents. She didn't cry when Jowan betrayed her and almost got her killed. She didn't cry after Ostagar or at seeing her friends lying dead on the Circle's stone floors. What was it about this man that made her feel like this?

"Don't leave me," she whispered. "You promised not to leave me alone. You promised that you'll stay with me!"

It seemed for a moment as if his anger disappeared, but his stony expression returned almost immediately. "You made your choice. Now you have to live with it," he stated and turned to leave. Another contraction rippled through her chest, stealing her breath.

"I love you!" she cried, her voice breaking with emotion. "And once upon a time, you told me you loved me! Did you mean that or was that just more empty promises?"

He stopped for a moment before whirling around to face her, fury on his face. While taking a deep breath, he reached inside his breastplate and pulled out a small black box. His fist clenched around it for a moment before tossing it at her feet. "You decide for yourself if that's an empty promise," he whispered hoarsely.

She looked in the ground where the box had been forced open from the impact. There, glittering at her feet, laid a small gold band set with three small diamonds. She bent to pick it up, the tears in her eyes making it difficult to read the inscription on the inside.

"I love you, forever and always," she breathed, looking up at him. "Ali-"

He silenced her with a raised hand. "Don't. Just don't. I loved you, Ilia, but you betrayed me. I…I can't forgive that. This is goodbye." With those words, he left, his tall figure disappearing into the curtain of water. Suddenly, her legs gave way underneath her. The water from the puddle was soaking her robes, but she didn't care. She didn't care about anything anymore. Her breath catching in her throat, she clutched Alistair's ring, loud sobs rocking her slight form.

Alistair was her only constant, the only person that she knew, inside and out. He was her rock, her shield, her everything. And now he was gone. The only thing in her mind's eye was his face, hurt and betrayed. Why did it have to end this way? Why did he have to leave, after all they'd been through? Why had he left her?

She struggled to take another breath, his parting words playing over and over in her head. _Is it possible to die from heartbreak?_ she thought desperately. This wasn't their ending. They deserved a happy ending, not this tragedy.

She'd wanted to protect him, like he protected her over and over. He'd not only protected her physically, from swords and arrows, but he'd healed her heart after she was sent out of the tower, on her own for the first time and betrayed by her best friend. He was her soul mate and for the first time since she left the Circle, she was truly alone. She didn't know what to do or be without him.

After what seemed like hours, she felt another presence behind her. A breath caught in her throat, filled with hope and she whirled around. To her disappointment, it was only Zevran.

"Please go, Zev. There's nothing you can do for me," she choked out, her hand still firmly locked around the ring.

"Did he leave?" the assassin asked quietly, kneeling next to her. All she could manage was a small nod, her chest still struggling to inhale any air. Zevran knelt next to her and gently pulled her into an embrace.

"Shh, _mi querido,_" he whispered over and over as he stroked her hair. "It'll be alright."

"No, it won't. He's gone…he's gone, Zev," she sobbed, clutching him closer. "He's not coming back."

Zevran merely continued holding her, not saying a word. She knew what the silence meant. He knew she was right.

"I…I never wanted to hurt him, Zev. I wanted to stay with him forever."

"I know, Ilia," he whispered sadly as he continued rocking her. "I know."

oOoOoOo

"What do you mean a Warden has to die? Why…why didn't Duncan tell me this?" Ilia asked softly, her tone laced with anger.

The oldest Warden looked uncomfortable. "I assumed that he'd told you. He probably didn't think it necessary to tell you, seeing as it is traditional for the eldest warden to take the killing blow. I just want you to know, because if I fail, the deed will fall to you."

"Fine. Are we done here?" she asked impatiently. Riordan gave a small nod and she darted out of the room, not even bothering to say good-bye to Loghain and Riordan.

Her thoughts were still running rampant when she pushed open the heavy oak door, wanting nothing more than just fall asleep and let the horrible week come to an end. However, when she entered the room, she was surprised to see Morrigan standing in front of the fireplace.

"Get out," she barked without even bothering to ask her why she was there. She didn't have the patience to deal with the apostate at that moment.

"Don't you even want to hear what I have to say? I thought we were friends, Ilia," Morrigan replied, surprise clear on her face at her friends uncharacteristic anger.

"No. Leave."

Morrigan shot her a sad look before starting for the door. "I'm sorry…sister…This is good-bye. The ritual was the reason I came with you and if I'm not going to perform it, there is no reason for me to stay." With that, the apostate shifted into a large dog and bounded out of the room, but not before shooting her one last look.

Anguish gripped her heart when she watched her friend leave, but she couldn't bring herself to stop her. She simply didn't have the energy anymore. _Mercifully, I'll be dead by this time tomorrow._

With a sigh, Ilia sat down at the small writing desk and set about writing a letter to Alistair. He deserved to know why she did what she did, as well as what he had to do should they fail. Even though he would probably burn it or throw it away, she had to try. She owed him that much.

_My dearest Alistair,_

_Firstly, I want to apologize for any harm I've caused you. Comfort yourself in the fact that every harm I inflicted on you, mirrored the pain I felt in my heart while doing so. I'm so sorry, my love, and I hope you can forgive me someday._

_I know you don't want to hear this, but we needed Loghain. The taint is a death sentence in itself and Loghain is an experienced general. I truly believed that we couldn't defeat the Blight with only three Wardens, Ali. You might not agree with me, but I wasn't prepared to destroy Ferelden on the off chance that two junior Wardens and one lone Warden from Orlais could manage on their own. _

_The true purpose of this letter, however, is greater than the two of us. The night before I set off, Riordan informed Loghain and me of the true reason why a Warden has to kill the Archdemon. If anyone other than a Warden delivers the final blow, the archdemon will be resurrected in another darkspawn. The archdemon is invincible, in a sense. However, if a Warden kills it, the taint of the old god enters the body of the Warden, because of the taint in our blood. The Warden is subsequently destroyed._

_Traditionally, the blow is struck by the eldest Warden and Riordan has offered to deliver the final blow. Should he fail, I've offered to deliver the blow. I want you to know so that, should all of us kill before the archdemon is killed, you can kill it. I know you don't want to be a Warden anymore, but the future of Ferelden might depend on you._

_I love you, Alistair, and always will. These few days without you has been absolute torture. I wish I could see you one last time. Thankfully I still have my memories of our time together and this will help me through my final hours. _

_I kept the ring. Just so you know, my answer would have been yes._

_I have a feeling Riordan will fail and that I will have to deliver the final blow. Should he not fail, I will leave Ferelden. Know that you'll never have to see me again._

_I wish only the best for you. You deserve nothing less._

_Keep my heart safe, for I left it with you._

_Yours forever,_

_Ilia_

Satisfied, she headed downstairs to find Arl Eamon as he would have the most luck in delivering the letter.

Ilia was met with a wary eye at her request, but the arl accepted the letter with a promise to get it to Alistair.

With one last thank you, Ilia trudged upstairs for what would be her final night in Ferelden.

oOoOoOo

The archdemon fell to the ground with a loud scream, blood pouring out of the many injuries that they'd managed to inflict. Ilia struggled to catch her breath as she took in the carnage around her.

The rooftop was littered with darkspawn corpses, mixed with dead mages, knights, dwarves and elves. At the far end laid the battered corpse of Wynne, as well as her faithful mabari, Thaddeus. She couldn't help the tears that spilled over her cheeks as looked at her dead mentor and companion.

_So much death…This ends here," _she vowed. Wiping the tears from her face, she straightened up and grabbed a greatsword that was still gripped in its dead owner's hand. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath to steady herself when she was suddenly interrupted.

"Ilia, stop!" a familiar voice yelled loudly behind her.

A glimmer of hope ignited in her chest as she turned towards the voice. Sure enough, Alistair was standing on the rooftop, a terrified expression on his face.

Shock and delight filled her entire being at the sight of her love. "Alistair, what are you doing here?" she asked, hesitantly.

"I read your letter. I love you, Ilia. I'm so sorry for the way I acted," he responded while moving closer to her.

She couldn't bring herself to move just yet. _Please don't let this be a dream_.

"I hope it's not too late. I wanted-." Whatever he wanted to say was knocked out of his chest as she crashed into him, holding on for dear life.

"I asked Eamon to give it to you when he was sure you wouldn't catch up," she muttered into his chestplate. The feeling of him holding her and his familiar scent surrounding her was enough to make her forget everything that happened after the Landsmeet. _He came back! He came back for me! _her heart cheered.

"He clearly underestimated me. Sadly, he wouldn't be the first," he joked and his chest rumbled with a quiet chuckle.

His response was met with a swift punch to his chest.

"Ow!" he exclaimed, though she knew it didn't hurt at all. "I can't let you kill the demon, Ilia," he said in a reserved tone.

She looked up at him, her being filled with stubborn resolve. "You don't get much of choice, unfortunately," she replied. There was no way she was going to let him die.

"I won't lose you a second time," he said while his thumb wiped away dried remains of the tears on her cheeks, his amber eyes filled with impossible sorrow. "I was an idiot. I shouldn't have let you go."

"This is crazy! You can't just burst in here, after we had the difficult task of incapacitating the archdemon, and expect to play the hero!" she yelled, emphasizing every second word with punch to his chest. As she did this, she cursed every possible deity she could think of.

_You took him away and now you give him back with no way for us to be together! What did we do to deserve this?_

Alistair waited patiently for her to finish. When she sagged against him, exhaustion taking over her limbs, her lifted her chin so that her eyes met his.

"Sanest thing I've ever done," he whispered and kissed her.

At first, she stood frozen as their lips met. Then, just as he started to pull away, she kissed him back, desperation taking over her body. She tried to convey the regret she felt for having to leave him and for everything that had happened between them. From his passionate reaction, it was clear her was feeling exactly the same.

Unfortunately, the kiss had to end. They pulled apart and Ilia stared deep into the liquid amber that had captivated her so long ago.

"I love you," he whispered and unsheathed his sword, clearly intending to strike the archdemon.

Her reply was so soft that she barely heard it herself. "I love you too. Please forgive me someday."

Alistair froze for a moment and turned to face her when an invisible barrier formed around him, keeping him prisoner. Fear took over his handsome features as he realised what she was doing and he struggled against her magic as he tried to free himself.

"No!" she heard him shout before she plunged the sword into the archdemon. She looked into his eyes one last time…

A pained howl drew her back to reality and she had to stop a sob from escaping her throat.

Alistair wasn't coming to save her. Not this time. Not ever again.

"I'm sorry, Alistair. Please…forgive me someday," she whispered as she steeled herself for the blow. With one last deep breath she arched the sword towards the writhing creature.

Unimaginable pain tore at every one of her nerve endings and she was blinded by a flash of white. A raw cry from the dragon pierced the air, but the only thing she could hear was the ghostly voice of Alistair telling her that he loved her.

"I love you, Alistair," she breathed as she was yanked into the abyss, her final thoughts filled with the blond knight that had changed her life.

_I'm sorry._


End file.
